Ok, here it goes. Since my last post, I became a mommy of two Heavenly babies. We were able to get pregnant again and then forced to give her up again. I really struggled and am still struggling with it. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the whole thing. How did this happen again and how did I even live beyond it? After Oliver I couldn’t imagine going through another miscarriage. But then we did.
I became pregnant right around the time of Oliver’s due date. I felt like it was a sign. Like God was truly turning my sorrow into joy. We rejoiced and thanked God for such a miracle baby. I was pregnant but ultrasound after ultrasound and still no heartbeat. The doctors were so quick to use words like miscarriage and D&C and even gave me the option of aborting our baby. But I wasn’t having it. I just kept thinking how God is going to use this baby. The doctors will see soon enough. They will realize that this is our miracle baby. I wanted to wait it out. So weeks went by and several ultrasounds passed. I just kept praying for a miracle and believing whole heartedly that this is not how it’s supposed to end. But then it did.
Where was my miracle?
This time around my grief was different than with Oliver. We were never able to see a heartbeat. We were never able to attach our grief to anything tangible. We didn’t receive a pathology report telling us about the gender of our baby. Doctors used words like “empty sac” and “there’s nothing there” and I actually started to believe that for a while. The word empty was the perfect description for how I was feeling. I thought if I pretended like a baby was never conceived it wouldn’t hurt as much.
Wrong. I was still hurting and grieving and I felt silly for doing so for something that “wasn’t there”. Am I crazy?
NO! There wasn’t a something there. There was a SOMEONE! A tiny little embryo that God created and knew. A life that although was short, was a life that mattered. Not only to Nick and I but to God. He watched as this life attached itself to my body for protection. He saw as my body created a safe place for this life to grow. And He saw when this life, our child, left her earthly home for her Heavenly one.
I was praying so hard for a miracle. Begging God to do something. And that’s when I realized. Just yesterday as I was driving into the snow covered sunset. I did receive a miracle and I receive a miracle everyday.
Jesus. The Cross. Grace. And then more grace.
The definition of impregnate is: to make pregnant, fertilize, to fill throughout, saturate, permeate. What if we prayed as hard for God’s will as we do for God’s miracles? What if I prayed as much to be filled with Christ as I do to be filled with a child? For God to permeate my very being to be used by Him and through Him. No matter what our need, no matter what we think we are without, God can fill it. He creates and He fills and He saturates that empty space. And as much I yearn for our babies, don’t you believe God yearns even more for us?
Tomorrow I leave for a retreat organized by Hope Mommies. I’m so excited and slightly nervous. I’ll get to meet other mommies with different stories than mine but a similar kind of loss. Ladies that I have prayed for and have had praying for me. Some who even know my babies’ names. I’m so grateful for this organization and their love they shower over my life. If you or someone you know has suffered miscarriage or infant loss, I highly recommend becoming a part of the group. Their support through these past months has been amazing and God is turning truly turning sorrow into joy.
It’s a daily decision. To wake up and be fill by Him. To be covered by His Grace and know that no matter what I will face that day God has already seen me through it. He is my strength and my portion. He is grace upon grace upon grace.