Today is my 30th birthday. A day I thought 7 years ago seemed like forever away. I made a personal goal to start our family before I turned the big 3-0. I figured I would at least be able to have children by then. After all it was SEVEN years away! Every year and every birthday since I have felt this overwhelming sense of pressure. I felt like my time was running out, like my window of opportunity was closing. But our ways are not always God’s ways, are they? He has a funny way of breaking us and all the expectations we put on ourselves and our lives. He reminds me that He is in control and always has been.
Today, on my 30th birthday, I am 17 weeks pregnant and carry two (YES, TWO!) precious gifts from God. And I have so many different emotions going on; Some to which I can probably blame on the hormones. I am overwhelmed with joy and excitement for making it this far. For seeing our two babies in multiple ultrasounds growing healthy and strong! For actually getting to the point of thinking that this could really finally be happening for us. I’m also fighting this sense of fear. Fear of what could happen and the what if’s that are so out of my control. And I almost get embarrassed to even share our good news because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know how it feels, especially around the holidays, after you have seen one too many pregnancy announcements on Facebook. I started this blog because I didn’t think anyone should have to walk through infertility or miscarriage alone. I wanted to help others and give them hope. But God is showing me that our story doesn’t have to end in pain and loss to accomplish this. Isn’t this what professing hope is all about?! Because that’s just it. God can turn your sorrow into joy. Your mourning into laughter.
If we hadn’t had fertility issues, if we hadn’t lost Oliver and then Emery, we wouldn’t have twin babes in my womb right now. Was this God’s ultimate plan for us? I don’t think so. When Adam and Eve were created in a perfect world without sin, there was no pain. That was God’s ultimate plan for us. But that doesn’t mean God can’t use that pain to bring about something great. He can use anything, even the worst parts can be restored. What the devil intended to harm us, God intended it for our good.
There is so much more that I want to share with you about our journey, the IVF process and getting pregnant after loss but that will be for another time. I guess what I wanted most to share with you all today is my gratitude. So many have been praying for so long for us. And I am in awe at all the people I have never even met who have been diligently holding Nick and I in their prayers. I started this blog to help others but it is you others who have helped me.
God is so so good. And I can’t keep it to myself. We’ve been given a double portion.