God doesn’t love me.
What have I done to deserve this?
There is no hope.
What is the point?
Why would a God that can do anything, keep me from becoming a mother?
Why them and not me?
All these; thoughts and questions that have run through my head within the past month. Why is it so hard for me to keep perspective? It is so tough to stay positive in a world where so many bad things happen to so many people. How can I profess that He is good when I’m surrounded by so much ugly?
Time is billowing forward. The sunflowers folded over with the weight of their beauty. A single maple tree burns crimson and the sun sneaks to bed a little earlier every night. Fall is just a couple cold mornings away. It seems everything is mockingly counting down the days until November. I miss Oliver. I think about him everyday. And it’s easy to listen to the devils voice. To become bitter. Angry. Resentful. But this isn’t what God wants for me. He wants me to count it all joy (James 1:2) and give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). But how is that possible?
I have run the whole gamut of emotions and found that living in fear, doubt, self-pity… that’s no way to live. It’s true, dealing with infertility, focusing so much on what I do not have, can easily become my idol. It is a constant worry.
Am I eating right? Drinking right? Taking the right vitamins? Am I lifting too much? Stressed too much?
And soon it’s all consuming and everything I do, say, think about brings me back to childless. Emptiness. But how can I call myself a Christian and be empty? Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Christ lives in me and is with me. Why do I so easily forget?
And then, why would He still want me? I’ve been so unworthy. Always forgetting. Never having eyes to see all the ways He loves me. Pursues me. He is always there, and always has been. I can’t live a life being full of God and emptied with fear. For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). He has given me a sound mind. He has given me the ability to choose to be happy. To choose to see good. To choose to wake up everyday knowing that God has me, holds me here in this moment and that it won’t be wasted. And that is enough.
One of the recent devotionals from DVO that might lift you up:
|Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Lam 3:21-22 (NLT)|
|HOPE SERIES – PART 4|
|Lamentations is a book of mourning written by Jeremiah, whose warnings to his country went largely ignored. He prophesied to and encouraged his countrymen for years to return to God and worship. But their response was just more wayward living, and the results of that were starting to leak through the cracks of the nation.Here he writes about the heartache of abandonment – 3:1 “I am the one who has seen the afflictions that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger. He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light. He has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.”Jeremiah was a prophet and poet, and I can imagine he felt everything deeply. It’s though the book of Lamentations was more like a journal for him, rather than a book for public reflection. We’re getting an insight into what he was going through. And he was in a dark place.Sometimes it can feel and look as though we have been shut out by God, abandoned, forgotten… or that God is against us, punishing us, and we are left surrounded by darkness with no way out… Jeremiah says in V18 “My strength and my hope Have perished from the Lord.”I’ve had those moments, and I know you have too, where in the midst of despair a raw and guttural cry from the depths of your soul arises… This is what was happening with Jeremiah.Let it arise, let those feelings come up…and then let them leave. Breathe them out, expel them from your heart. Because the truth is that no matter what it looks or feels like, God is still here, Jesus is still risen.
There is still HOPE.
His faithful love never ends – that gritty whisper that God has left you is a lie.
Breathe out the heartache, and breathe in hope… rise in it and be confident that your HOPE, JESUS, has love and mercy for you that is endless. Hope will pick you up and carry you beyond the moments of despair into days of peace.