professing hope
June 17, 2014

I have an app on my phone of daily devotionals. This one from yesterday was too good not to share. The app is called DVO and you can download it here.

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“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk not to stand still in terror, but to walk and make spiritual progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility!
Hab 3:19 (Amp)
This verse is very dear to me. About 4 years ago, my family went through a very difficult experience… We were left torn, heartbroken and empty. I had no idea how to move forward from it, how to rebuild my life and my confidence; I remember being filled with fear and uncertainty. I turned to the bible and started to read… but nothing seemed to be ‘getting in’… It was like the words on the page were as empty as I was.Until I found this scripture.

It lifted off the page and filled my heart and mind with hope.

He is your strength. It’s OK if you feel weak. It’s OK to go through seasons of vulnerability. It’s OK to be frail in heart and spirit. IT IS NOT FAILURE! And it happens to us all. It’s OK, because GOD IS OUR STRENGTH.

2 Cor 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Some of us, perhaps most of us, are embarrassed by our weaknesses and seasons of hardship… But in those seasons, no matter how we get there, the important thing is NOT to cover up the pain or shroud ourselves in embarrassment, but allow God to be our strength. Open up to him, lean on Him, depend on Him…

He is your personal bravery… Not someone else’s or the crowds… yours. He will help you be brave and will lift your head high so that you can face tomorrow assured of His love and strength. He is your invincible army – unshakable, indestructible… Consistent, strong, true… Nothing can separate you from His love.

There’s an old English proverb that says “a smooth sea never made a skilful sailor.” Embrace your season of hardship, don’t be embarrassed or defeated by it… You can get through it; He is your strength, and there is always HOPE.”

 June 16 – DVO

June 5, 2014

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Can it really be June? A month has almost already passed by? These past couple weeks have not been my best. I think I hit the “anger” part of grieving. I am mad. I feel so very cheated. I feel like life is moving on but there is a part of me refusing to budge. I think the hardest part for me right now is realizing how far along I would be and how much more Oliver would have grown. I see and am going through events that I should have been pregnant for. And then I feel so empty. Like I literally left a part of myself there at the hospital.

Last week was my follow up appointment after my D&C. Some of you may know that I am not very impressed with my OBGYN. I guess through all of this I have realized I need a new doctor and to really find someone who cares for me (or at the very least knows my name) and our baby. At our appointment, she didn’t really have much to say. I do understand that there really isn’t any way of knowing why something like this would happen. But she did say something that made an impact on me. That over 50% of women have dealt with at least one miscarriage and a lot of those have gone on to have several more. ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE? I honestly don’t know how to get over just one… how do you go through this over and over? It made me really stop and think. To look past myself and my own hurts and see a world of grieving mothers just like me. Parents that never got to hold their child, just like us. Empty cribs put back into storage just like ours.

Since my first post I have been contacted by so many women. Women who have had miscarriages. Some dealing with infertility. Some even with stillbirths. It was heart wrenching to hear but it did, in some ways, comfort me to know that I wasn’t alone and that everything I have gone through someone else has and then some. That there is life after all of this and that even though we will never forget, the pain does lift. With all those messages also came a lot of resources for grieving parents. I have included all those links at the bottom in case others can also use them to find comfort and support.

Most days I feel like I’m healing. Like we will make it. And then something. One little thing happens… a child in the grocery store smiles at me, mail for expectant parents, a diaper commercial. And I completely loose control. But it is in these moments that I feel God the most. When I’m out of control, God steps in and whispers: Remember me? I have collected your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) I will never leave you (Hebrews 13:5) Even in the worst times, I will be with you (Isaiah 43:2).

God finds me, even when I don’t want to be found. And even in times when I don’t fully believe that things will get better, I have to believe in God’s love for me. I have to believe that He had a Son too and that He gave Him up … for me. That God has come to give all of us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Tomorrow is coming and God is already there.

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Hope Mommies

Sufficient Grace Ministries

Living His Call

Faith & Fertility

Audrey’s Story

Discussion of Miscarriage

Also here are some books that I have read and have helped me. They aren’t specifically for infertility or miscarriage but they do inspire hope:

One Thousand Gifts

Heaven Is for Real

Love Does